allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
