I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
