my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
