Your face is a jimmy john
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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