I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
