I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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