I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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