Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
