I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
