I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
