Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
