Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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