apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
