well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
