I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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