Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
