i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
