You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
