when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
