Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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