Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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