My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
