I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
