I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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