I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
