I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
