bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
