I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
