Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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