M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
