tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
