his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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