Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
