Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
