his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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