hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
