Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
