It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
