So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
ok first of all what the fuck
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
