neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
