do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
