I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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