I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
