You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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