Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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