im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
