Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
