I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
