I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
