Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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