If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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