last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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